What Budget Does this Come From?
I certainly hope my taxes, which were sent to my accountant today, weren't used to pay for this ritzy Valentine's soiree
Also fuck, Chuck Norris.
Also fuck, Chuck Norris.
posted by dan at Wednesday, February 15, 2006
by C.S. Walton
![](http://dcdan.com/images/dcbloggersbutton2.gif"/)
1 Comments:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew
a
beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds
of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying
"boo-yah".
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling,
"Bang!"
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of
course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality
rate
of the actors he fights.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to
death
by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and crapped on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so
he
can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of
the month.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in
the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to
him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees
to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to
bang
every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it
up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick
to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris,
you may be only seconds away from death.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is
actually a
list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that
day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire
state down.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs
to lie the fuck down.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World
Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and that those
listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to
matching
him.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck allows
to
live.
Chuck played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
saw this thought it was approiate
i also have some ideas for your new naming scheme
55
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